James Bond in Tearjerker
by Steven J. P
Summary: A retelling of the American Dad episode as if it was a real Bond movie. I guess you could say it comes after Skyfall, and sorry if the celebrities I chose to play the characters are weird, that's just what I came up with for the time being.
1. Bond's Newest Mission

(MGM Lion roars)

(Any other company that owns James Bond that I've probably forgotten.)

(Gun barrel sequence with Daniel Craig)

Gareth Mallory has taken over M's role as Head of MI6, making him M I guess. James Bond has been called in to inspect something for him.

"Moneypenny," he says to Ms. Moneypenny. "Is he in?"

"Yes," she replied. "Go right in."

Bond walks into M's office.

"007, good thing you're here. There has been word that arms-dealer Tchochkie Schmear has suddenly become a movie producer. I need you to infiltrate the set of his new film and find out what's going on."

"This doesn't seem like a mission that a highly trained agent of the MI6 is cut out for," Bond replied.

"That's why all the other agents turned down, after the whole incident with Silva and the original M, you should be happy that this isn't going to be complicated."

"Let's hope it won't be," said James.

"The set is in Tunisia," said M.

"I'll be on the first available flight," said James.

(Cut to opening credits, giant eyes cry tears that become women diving, a bunch of other stuff happens during the opening credits, if you want to know what then go watch the actual episode)

(Daniel Craig as James Bond 007 in **Tearjerker**)

(Jessica Simpson as Sexpun T'Come)

(Patrick Stewart as Arthur Tearjerker)

(Martin Freeman as Tchochkie Schmear)

(Ralph Fiennes as M)

(Naomi Harris as Ms. Moneypenny)

(Ben Whisaw as Q)

(Written by ME!)


	2. Q's Cool Gadget

Bond's plane to Tunisia was to leave tonight; he felt that before he left he should see if Q had anything useful.

"Q," he said. "I'm leaving to go to Tunisia tonight to find out information about Tchochkie Schmear. Do you have anything useful?"

"Well, define 'useful' for me," he said.

"Well," James replied. "Anything to get me out of a certain situation."

"I think I have something that may help."

Q walked over to a table and picked up a ring.

"This looks like a ring right? Well it is, but if a woman puts it on, her breasts grow bigger."

"How will this help me?"

"I have no idea, but if you end up not using it, just use on the woman (or women) you're most likely going to sleep with."

"Okay then Q, farewell for now."


	3. Schmear's Set

Bond arrived in Tunisia that night, and the next day disguised himself as an intern and got hired on the set of Schmear's new film "Bark of the Covenant", featuring a German Sheppard as Indiana Jones. It also stars Matthew McConaughey as Karen Allen. This information was given to Bond by M. Bond is now bringing a coffee to McConaughey.

"Here's your coffee, Mr. McConaughey," Bond says. "And Mr. Schmear thanks for hiring me as your college intern. I actually need to ask you something."

But James was interrupted when McConaughey spit coffee on him and starting choking.

"What did you do," asked Schmear. "Was their milk in that coffee? McConaughey can't have milk!"

McConaughey starting going crazy; he then ran off. James chased after him until McConaughey fell into a hole on set.

"Take my hand," James says to McConaughey.

McConaughey grabs it, but when James pulls him up, his arm rips off, a robotic arm.

"It's a robot," says James. "This obviously isn't the real McConaughey."

Looking on behind a prop tank, Schmear takes out his phone.

"The robot McConaughey went haywire sir," he says. "He is kaput."

"Thank you, Tchochkie," says the voice on the phone.


	4. Tearjerker

"Thank you, Tchochkie," says the voice to Schmear, who's on the other line.

"Well, professor," the voice says. "It appears your robots still malfunction when they drink milk."

"You're a lunatic, Tearjerker," the professor says. "You're a lunatic with a madman's dream of a perfect fake celebrity robot."

The man called Tearjerker pushes a button on his desk and a trap door opens below the professor.

"Goodbye professor," says Tearjerker. "I'll weep for you."

On the other side of the room, the professor comes down a slide and into a tank of water. The top closes and the professor drowns in the tank. Tearjerker laughs.


	5. M's New Info

After James finds some interesting information on Tchochkie Schmear's set, M orders him to fly out to Monte Carlo to discuss some new info that he found himself. You know in some of the movies how M has a bunch of offices in random countries; well he has one in Monte Carlo. James walks into the office, greets Moneypenny, and then enters M's office.

"Well 007," says M. "You think it was milk that caused the McConaughey robot to malfunction."

"Yes, but more important where is the McConaughey and why was he replaced with a robot?"

"We aren't entirely sure, but we do know that before McConaughey agreed to do Schmear's film, he agreed to spend a week in an exclusive celebrity spa located in the remote Teardrop Islands. Your mission is to go to the spa and find out what's going on. The spa is owned by mysterious business tycoon Arthur Tearjerker."

M shows Bond a picture of Tearjerker.

"But sir, how do I get into the resort?"

"Tearjerker is a notorious gambler," says M. "He is currently at the casino a few blocks down. Go challenge him to a game of chance and win yourself an invitation."

With that, 007 left to go find Tearjerker.


	6. Scores and Whores

After the conversation with M, Bond arrives at the casino to challenge Tearjerker to a game and win an invitation to his spa. James walks up to the bar first.

"What can I get you," asks the bartender.

"Vodka martini," replies James. "Shaken, not stirred."

After he receives his drink, a woman walks up to him, of course an attractive one.

"Hey handsome," she says in a sexy voice. "Gotta light?"

James takes out a lighter.

"I see you've got a cigarette there," he says.

"My name is Sexpun T'Come, and I've got a good feeling about you."

Just as James was about to speak, a waitress came by and picked up a martini for Tearjerker, James follows her until he finally sees Tearjerker.

"Arthur Tearjerker?"

"Yes," Tearjerker replies.

"My name is Bond. James Bond."

"I didn't ask who you were," says Tearjerker.

"Listen, I would like an invitation to your spa."

"I'm sorry but I only invite celebrities."

"Well perhaps I can play you for an invitation. Chance."

"I don't play Chance anymore."

"Okay then, a simple game of poker?"

"Alright then," says Tearjerker. "But a fair warning Mr. Bond, I rarely lose."

"I'm willing to take that risk," replies James.

I'm not going to get deep in the info on the game, cause I never really understood poker myself, let me just say after a long and hard game, James did manage to win.

"Well played Mr. Bond," says Tearjerker. He hands Bond an invitation to his resort.

"I guess I will see you on the Teardrop Islands," says Bond as he walks away.

The woman named Sexpun walks up to Tearjerker and hands him an ID Card.

"Let's see," says Tearjerker. "James Bond, Agent of the British Secret Service. Code Number 007, licensed to kill."

Tearjerker smiles.

"Well Mr. Bond, I think you're going to enjoy my spa. In fact, you'll never leave." Tearjerker laughs.


	7. The Teardrop Islands

"Sir," says Bond. "I've got an invitation to the Teardrop Islands from Tearjerker."

"Good," says M. "I'll arrange a jet from the Teardrop Islands to pick up tomorrow."

The next day, a private jet picked up James and then set course for the Teardrop Islands. When James finds his seat, he finds out he's sitting next to Johnny Depp.

"Johnny Depp," says James. "I'm a huge fan of you. What are you reading?"

"A film I just signed on to do with Steven Spielberg," says Depp.

Just then, a flight attendant walks up to them.

"Your milkshake Mr. Depp," she says.

Bond looks at Depp while he sips the shake, nothing happens to him, meaning that he probably isn't a robot. Just then the pilot announces decent into the islands. The plane lands inside the mouth of a giant mountain carving of Tearjerker.


	8. Sexpun and James

Bond has just arrived on the islands. In the room next to the plane drop-off thingie area (?), Tearjerker looks at Bond and Johnny Depp get off the plane. He calls his henchmen.

"Manny, Peddy, Sexpun! I need you to go give our guests some 'spa treatment.'"

Sexpun throws a knife that hits the center of a dartboard.

Meanwhile in another room, James and Johnny Depp are getting a manicure (or whatever you call it).

"Right this way Mr. Depp," says the henchman Manny. Depp leaves the room with Manny and Peddy. Alone in the room, Bond takes a picture of the room with his watch. When the picture comes out, Sexpun is in it.

"Hello again Mr. Bond," says Sexpun.

"Look what the cat dragged in," says James.

"I'm Tearjerker's personal masseuse, and he told me to work on you myself."

Out of nowhere, James loses it.

"Marry me," he says to her.

"What?" She replies.

"I'm- I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me, just some old thoughts I guess, I think I should head over to the juice bar."


	9. Yet Another Celebrity Robot

James is in the juice bar, having a drink, when Johnny Depp enters the bar.

"How's the script looking Mr. Depp," he asks Depp.

"I'm not doing that film anymore," he says. "Tchochkie Schmear has a project that's way better."

James looks at Depp's new script.

"Skateboarding Grandma?" (The name of the film)

"Wait a second; you're working with Tchochkie Schmear instead of Steven Spielberg."

James orders a milkshake and offers Depp a drink.

"I hate milkshakes," says Depp.

James eyes him for a second and then tackles him to a ground. He takes the milkshake and forces it down Depp's throat (the drink, not the glass). Depp spasms for a second before his head explodes in fire, revealing a robot head inside. Manny and Peddy walk in and see the Depp robot destroyed. Bond runs out of the room and they chase him. A minute later stops at a dead end, with nothing but a window. He hides in a corner. Manny and Peddy stand near the window, and James comes in out of nowhere and shoots them. They fall out the window to their death. James walks through the halls for another minute before Sexpun pulls him into a door.

"James," she says. "Tearjerker only invited you on this island to kill you, I'm only telling you this because I think I'm falling for you."

James doesn't say anything about what Sexpun said.

"Tell me what Tearjerker's up to."


	10. Tearjerker's Plan

"I will," says Sexpun. "Tearjerker has spent years replacing years replacing the world's most famous celebrities with robots."

"Why," asks James.

"So he could make them perform in the worst films imaginable."

"And why does he want that?"

"With the robots making terrible films no one will want to see, the world will be forced to go see Tearjerker's very own cinematic masterpiece."

"This is all because Tearjerker wants people to see his film?"

"Don't answer that," says a voice. Tearjerker holds a gun to Bond and Sexpun.

"Your plan is very unique Tearjerker," says James.

Tearjerker walks closer and strips Bond of his gun.

"Now come with me," he says.


	11. Oscar Gold

Tearjerker brings James and Sexpun to another room. He ties them up in chairs and now begins talking to them from above (I didn't know how to describe it, watch the actual episode).

"So you've heard most of my brilliant scheme," says Tearjerker. "But do you want to know why I did this. The year was 2002, the place, Hollywood. I auditioned for a little film called 'Monster's Ball'. The producers laughed me out of that room and out of that town. So I thought I'd make the whole world cry with the saddest film imaginable. LIGHTS!"

Tearjerker's film starts. It's in black and white and a bunch of Nazi trucks drive by. Narration starts.

"In a world torn apart by war, one voice stood out. A voice that was strong, inspiring, and hard to understand."

A retarded Jewish boy played by Tearjerker begins getting excited about driving the truck, his mother tells him to be quiet, as they are hiding from the Nazis. It also reveals that the boy was an alcoholic. His puppy also dies of cancer. It ends with the words _Oscar Gold_. Bond and Sexpun are holding back tears (Yes, James Bond is holding back tears, weird right?).

"Yes, it's sad," says Tearjerker. "Good to know that, and that was just the trailer; imagine seeing the four hour director's cut. People will cry so much they'll cry themselves to death."

"That's impossible," says James.

"Actually it is," says Tearjerker. "The tear glands will be emptied of all tears and the eyes will go blind, and then get an infection, then they will be infected, and they will die."

"I still don't think that's possible," says James.

"Is it? Tell that to the critics screening."

Tearjerker pulls a switch and a bunch of film critics are seen dead, with their eyes cried out.

"The film is opening on 500,000 screens all around the world in about ten minutes," says Tearjerker. "With all the terrible works released by Schmear, people will be forced to see _Oscar Gold_. And they WILL DIE!"


	12. The Plan Underway

The room begins rumbling. The blimp Tearjerker happened to be in takes off. Tearjerker then begins watching camera footage from theaters showing his film with Tchochkie Schmear.

"People worldwide are already crying hysterically," says Schmear. "Your fiendish plan is working perfectly."

Meanwhile, James and Sexpun are watching the film. They are on the verge of crying to death.

"James, my answer is yes."

"Yes to what?"

"I will marry you."

They begin kissing, when James realizes something.

"The ring," says James.

"What ring?"

"The ring that Q gave me!" James pulls the ring out of his pocket. "Put this on, Sexpun."

Sexpun puts on the ring and her breasts grow big enough to break the rope. She unties James.

"We have to stop Tearjerker," she says.

James is staring at her chest, he gains control after a few seconds.

"Look there isn't a way to stop the film, but maybe we could find something that the world wants to watch more than Oscar Gold."

James sees footage of Adrien Brody and Halle Berry in a dungeon.

"Those are the real celebrities," says Sexpun. "He kept some alive."

James sees Halle Berry holding something.

"I've got an idea," he says. "Sexpun, get those celebrities up here right away!"


	13. Possibly the Best Distraction

Tearjerker and Schmear are still watching people cry to _Oscar Gold_, in different countries. Someone in Beijing receives a phone call and leaves the theater. The same thing happens to almost everyone else watching the film.

"Something's wrong sir," says Schmear.

"Why are they leaving," says Tearjerker. "Why aren't they staying and dying!" Tearjerker finds two of his men watching a video. Celebrity babies.

"They're going home to see them online," says Schmear.

"Bond had to find the one thing that people want to see more than my film," says Tearjerker.

James and Sexpun are filming all the celebrities babies live.

Tearjerker looks over the footage again to find no one in the theater.

"NO!" he says. "This isn't over Bond. Tears! DROP!"

Tearjerker's henchmen drop into the live filming area, Bond and Sexpun defeat them. James begins climbing the rope to Tearjerker's blimp. He reaches the top, kicks Tearjerker and gets his gun back.

"You've jerked your last tear," James says to Tearjerker.

"Not yet," says Tearjerker.

He runs to a jetpack and jumps out the window. James runs quickly and manages to jump on him. Tearjerker tries to kick him off, but James just climbs higher. He shoots the jetpack, rips it open, and tears out some important wires. The jetpack is now completely dead, and below them happened to be a volcano. James jumps off and tries to fall into the ocean, but Tearjerker falls into the volcano. James successfully falls into the water, swims back to the island, and frees the living celebrities.

"Still want to marry me," he says to Sexpun.

"Of course," she says and they begin making out.


	14. Sexpun Bond

James and Sexpun, married, are in a heart shaped bed at a hotel (Hotel's top floor).

"I'll go get the wine," says James.

Sexpun is lying alone when a thudding is heard at the door. She opens in and is knocked unconscious with a gun. James walks back into the room and sees Sexpun on the floor. The gunman walks up to him, it's Tchochkie Schmear.

"I couldn't let you get away that easily Mr. Bond," says Schmear. "I will finish what Tearjerker started."

James stands up and quickly kicks the gun out of Schmear's hand. They begin fist fighting until Schmear grabs the wine glass and breaks it. He walks up to James slowly, thrusting his arm out every few seconds. James reaches for Schmear's gun and shoots the wine glass. Schmear then runs up to him and James shoots him. He backs away towards the window. James walks up to him and kicks him out, Schmear falls to his death. After that James revives Sexpun.

"What happened," she asks.

"A minor disturbance," he replies. "So, where were we?"

The newlyweds begin kissing, before leading to- well you know, because he's Bond. James Bond.


	15. Credits

The storyline doesn't belong to me, it's American Dad, and I was just retelling.

CAST:

Daniel Craig – James Bond

Jessica Simpson – Sexpun T'Come

Patrick Stewart – Tearjerker

Martin Freeman – Tchochkie Schmear

Ralph Fiennes – M

Ben Whisaw – Q

Naomi Harris – Moneypenny

All the celebrities in this story – Themselves

Write some reviews if you want. I want to hear your opinions. I also would like to let you know that Spongebob AGS isn't cancelled again, I just haven't written it. I'll try to make time in my busy schedule to write some more of those. I'll also try to write some more "Alternate Endings" to movies because some of you guys like those. Thanks!


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